By Kenneth Shipp
In case you missed it, the reboot of Fantastic Four has turned out to be the lowest rated superhero film in history. So, instead of wasting your time watching that piece of garbage, I have compiled a list of recommendations that won’t spoil your day.
Go watch Arrested Development Season 4
There’s a reason I included it in my review of Fantastic Four. The two Tobias episodes, 5 and 9 are much better than any scene in that travesty of a movie. You will have a blast watching Tobias Funke try to put together a horrible musical rendition of the Fantastic Four. The humor in these episodes is better than the comedic devices written up for Josh Trank’s stinker. You could argue that this season wasn’t as strong as the first 3, but then i would ask, have you seen Fantastic Four?
Wear a wig
Go buy a wig. Put on said wig. Did your wig change style or color since the time you put it on? Nope, then you have a real wig. If you want a fake wig, go watch a few episodes with Kevin Malone sporting his wig in The Office. If you want to see a bad haircut, go watch Republican debate highlights. Just whatever you do, don’t watch the Fantastic Four film because your wig will change…yes, I’m highlighting an actual technical issues of the film here as well. I’m curious to see if Trank will get to release a director’s cut. Not that it would fix much, but maybe it could explain the quality dipping all over the place along with the narrative jump.
Grow or cut your facial hair
Do you have a beard? Go to the mirror. Still the same? Okay, walk away and come back. Is it still there? Yeah, that’s typically how beards work. Once their grown, you only shave them to take them off.
What if you don’t have beard? Grow a partial one. Go to the mirror. Is the messy, partially grown beard still on your face? Yes, but naturally I’m sure that stuff will fill in nicely to something cool. I’m sure it won’t disappear in one scene and then reappear in another one a few minutes later…and then again…and again….if you still haven’t figured it out, i’m again talking about the movie made for millions of dollars with high school level production issues. Why did Reed Richards have a partial beard? That’s like getting a partially full box of of old soggy fries. It may technically be fries, but they are cold, limp, and taste worst the more you continue to eat them.
Go watch The Incredibles
If you want to see a mediocre family flick about gaining superpowers go watch the first two Fox studio Fantastic Four films. If you want to see it done right, go play your copy of the Incredibles right now. You don’t have one? Umm, go take care of that right now. Are you kidding me? That movie may be one of the best animated films of all time while simultaneously being one of the best superhero films as well. Calling it just a superhero movie through the Pixar lense misses the deeper threads that run this film. It’s a level of complexity and rich story telling that is sometimes missing from these bigger franchises.
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