You probably don’t need me to tell to stay away from this stinker. However, in case it had crossed your mind, here’s the reasons to avoid this one like the plague.
After some deep contemplation about recent movie releases, I really didn’t want to watch this one. And having Deadpool in the theater next to me wasn’t helping. Seriously, they may have made more money if this had been released on another weekend. But I should never leave a movie thinking,
“My money could have been better spent watching Ryan Reynolds in a tight, red leather suit instead of Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson squeezed into a number of ridiculous ill-fitting costume.”
Let’s say this to start: the first Zoolander wasn’t good. Sure, there were a few funny moments, but they only work because of our first glimpse into the stupidity of Derek Zoolander and Will Ferrell’s craziness some how meshed and that’s about it. So imagine trying to make a better film out of a premise and plot they were already thin to begin with? That’s how you get Zoolander 2
The jokes lack setup….for most of the film. It’s another dumb and ill conceived one liner after another with no real cohesion through most of it. It was painful to watch and even more painful to drudge back up for this review. The whole thing was entirely self-referential to the previous film and the poorly constructed jokes they failed to successfully pull off. The only good moments happened in the trailers and you will be better off imagining a better film on your own.
Major Beefs
If I attempt to type the plot of this film into this article, I’m afraid my computer will spontaneously explode and not from old age either. It doesn’t add up to a lick of sense and makes more recent spy thrillers look Oscar worthy by comparison. Instead, let’s just list out what stood out in my mind. And I mean, you’re still reading my review so that either means you want to hear the absurdity or you’re still contemplating watching this dribble….
- The initial conflict that drove Zoolander and Hansel apart is resolved rather quickly.
- Jokes are made back to Zoolander getting his wife killed by building a library out of shoddy construction materials…and by shoddy, we mean toilet paper and cardboard.
- Hansel is torn between two orgy groups, one lead by Keifer Sutherland and the other by Susan Sarandon (and only so they can squeeze in a crappy Rocky Horror joke).
- I’m pretty sure that Benedict Cumberbatch’s character All is a slur towards transexuals, gays, or some wild combination of something that went over my head because I stopped caring.
- And how did they manage to drag Neil Degrasse Tyson into this terrible mess? I want to shame Tyson, but it’s probably not his fault. I just hate to see a man I respect a great deal get shafted by a bad screenplay.
- Fat shaming Zoolander’s overweight son
- CGI pasting Fred Armisen’s face onto a 6 year old boy
- Rewriting Adam and Eve to include a dude named Steve who was the first model
- All rock stars are just models who have talent and intelligence. They also serve as the protectors of the bloodline of Steve
- Valentina (Penelope Cruz) strips down to a swimsuit and tells Zoolander to grab her boobs firmly as she swims them back to the mainland….and I’m stopping there
I haven’t scratched the surface of what else happened during this 102 minute travesty, but that’s enough torture for one review…
Zoolander 1 out of 10
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